Singletons

As a soon to be parent of twins let me tell you something, Singletons are the worst. A singleton is a parent of one child. A single, lonely, spoiled child. Poor, poor child. We all know these Singleton assholes. They brag and boast about their sole child. Everything they can do, every thing that is impressive about them. But the worst thing about singletons? The WORST thing? When they complain about how hard it is. Really? You're having a rough day?

My wife and I's favorite game to play is to find and laugh at singletons. Our family swarms around them and we push them back and forth between us while our kids point and laugh at their single crying child. Then we all go for ice cream.

"Step up your parenting game Singleton! You weak bitch" is what we like to yell at them...from inside our car or under our breath.

All joking aside this all spawned from a Facebook group my wife is a part of. It's a group that is specifically for parents of twins. We have read through the posts and comments and find that parents of twins seem to think they are in some elite group. A group of mystical breeders that have been imbued with the power of Gemini and that makes them better than you Singleton. It's a very strange phenomenon that we have noticed.

You Singletons and Multipons can both step your game up!! Come at me when you have four!

Threenager

Warning. This post contains language some people may find offensive. And this is the edited version...

Threenager. This is a word I was introduced to a few weeks ago and it has since been infesting my life like a bad case of family lice. Make sure you read that right. I still miss it even though it has become a huge pet peeve of mine. Threenager, read as (3)nager. I get it from Facebook groups, my sister-in-law, and my wife (because she knows it annoys me)

Definition; A person 3 years old, possessing the attitude, and demeanor of a teenager

Are you kidding me. This is a thing? 

Your three year old has attitude? No your three year old is being a three year old. Trying to learn their place in the world by pushing your buttons.

Is your three year old moping around the house with his headphones in listening to shitty teen angst music pissing and moaning about some irrelevant bullshit that doesn't matter to anyone but themselves but still they are going to post their stupid ignorant thoughts on social media anyways and then piss and moan about that because none of their shitty teen friends favorited or retweeted it. 

No, your three year old is sitting in their own filth (well I guess that is similar to teenagers) watching Caillou (which is probably your first problem). That whiny little shit is a real asshole, pissing and moaning until he gets what he wants. Just hearing that little shit's shrill, eardrum piercing voice causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. But my hatred for that little animated cancer having brat should be saved for another rant.

Drawing similarities between a three year old and a teenager is ridiculous. They're acting like an asshole. That's the only similarity. So call it what it is.

It's all these shitty mom's groups that come up with all these ridiculous words to make themselves feel better that they aren't calling their kids assholes or being shitty parents.

Kids are going to give you some attitude. They have to. They have to learn their place in the hierarchy of the family, society and life. If you let them get away with shit it's just going to cause you more problems as they develop into fivenagers, then come the shithead sevens, transitioning into the troublesome tens, then before you know it you're raising a convict.

All that because you felt bad about calling your kid an asshole. Do it, it feels good.

You can say it. I say it. I know a few other parent who say it too. Those are the parents I listen to when I need advise. They are the ones that have the well behaved kids. They are the people that will laugh at this post, just as we laugh at those shitty mom's groups and their made up words. 

*mic drop*

What do you want it to be?

"We don't care as long as it's healthy."

Ever get that bullshit answer when you ask someone who is expecting what they want?

Then you are inevitably forced to back pedal with the whole, "Well yes, of course, I mean, obviously you want it to be healthy, but that's not what I meant..."

With two boys already we are really hoping for at least one girl. We've never  danced around that question. Not to mention the thought of having four boys scares the shit out of us!

Well, girls are really our second choice...this is a snapshot of the text message I got from Lori after her latest ultrasound...

Of course everyone wants a healthy baby. That's not what people are asking, it's kind of a given. Everyone involved with the conversation knows that a healthy baby is the primary concern. The point of the question is generally a great ice breaker that can then transition to names, then into what hobbies and/or sports. 

Can you really tell me you don't care what it is? Really? With 100% honesty?There isn't that little something deep down inside that makes you wish for one or the other. You haven't laid in bed thinking what it will be like to give your daughters hand to another man? You haven't been in the shower and smirked at getting a call from the cops to come pick up your son? You haven't thought about swimming lessons and how your little mermaid baby would excel and crush the competition? I have a hard time believing that you don't care what the sex is.

So next time someone asks what you hope you are having just answer the question. Let's all just assume that a healthy baby is obvious, 

Nerf the world

“You can’t make a utopian society based on the lowest common denominator”

— Doug Stanhope

This TIME article was floating around Facebook last week and it finally got me to write a post that I have been thinking about for a while. I also feel like I'm more validated in writing it now that I have kids.

This "no kid left behind" stuff needs to stop. It's going to breed a generation of self entitled brats, you think this current generation is bad? Just wait...

Look, if you want to celebrate your kids achievements then go ahead, I'm not going to stop you. But don't force me to sit through an hour of phony awards and poorly written speeches from teachers just so your kid can feel special. YOU, as the parent, should be the one to make your kid feel special. That's not for anyone else to do, and the more people that make your kid feel special the more jaded they are going to be once they grow up. 

Don't get them to parade around in front of a room full of other parents. This has nothing to do with your kid feeling special. This is for you. You are the one that is taking pride in these events. The kids don't care. Sure they get to dress up and be with there friends but they can do that at a friends house, or a birthday party. They don't care.

This also carries through to the "every kid gets a medal" pandemic. When I was growing up the top three winners or teams got a medal, that's it. Not every damn kid who took a step on the pitch, let alone the ones that sat on the bench the whole time. 

If you didn't do well you didn't get anything (except maybe pizza if your coach was cool), that's how competitions work. Winners and losers. Those that excel and those that don't. 

Losing is a key part of sports. You learn more in a loss than a win. It was that sort of pain and sense of loss that made you improve, try harder, do better. If you get the same praise as the people that practice 4 times a week then what is that teaching you? "It's fine, I can mess around and I'll still get something". Is that healthy? No, not at all! 

I remember having to try out for our towns soccer team. We all did. Yes I got some static from the haters. Saying things like I'm only on the team because my dad's the coach. You know what, that's only partially true. Yes my dad was the coach, but he was the coach because he loved soccer and loved me. He taught me the game long before I was ever on a team. Those haters also helped build character.

One year my best friend didn't make the team. It was awkward. His dad called my dad. We didn't talk for like a few days. Guess what? He's still one of my best friends. Guess what? That has had no negative effect on his life since that week. You get over the pain, and get stronger because of it.

That's what losing teaches you.

That's what being picked last teaches you.

That's what sitting on the side lines while the other team gathers for their medals teaches you.

You grow and you get through life not expecting handouts for doing nothing.